MEN JOKES
| I had to divorce my husband for religious
reasons, I'm a catholic and living with him is hell. |
| Why did God make men smell so bad?? So that blind women can hate them too. |
| A man walks into a bar and says "Ow!" A second man walks into the same bar. You would think after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it coming. |
| How can you tell men are broken? Crap comes out of both ends. |
| How many sexy guys does it take to change a
light bulb? Hey, if you're in the dark with a sexy guy, why mess with the lights? |
| Why do men name their penises? Because their mom told them not to play with strangers. |
| What's the best way to kill a man? Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one. |
| What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch! |
| Men are like a fine wine. They start out as
grapes. It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with. |
| What is the difference between men and
women:.... A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........ A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need |
| How do most men compare to Mel Gibson? They have everything he has, except for talent, money, and looks. |
| How are men like diplomas? You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don't know what to do with it. |
| This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you." |
After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?" The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."
The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?" |
Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years? Because men refuse to ask for directions! |
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: .... with Beer |
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house." |
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left." "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women." "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too." |
| A guy stood over his tee
shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance,
figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here." |
| How many men does it take
to change a light bulb? None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark. |
| How many divorced Men does
it take to screw in a light bulb? Who knows; they never get the house |
| Why do women have more
trouble with hemorrhoids than men? Because God made man the perfect asshole. |
| What do men and linoleum
have in common? Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life. |
| How can you tell if a man
is well hung? If you can't get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!! |
| Why are all dumb Blond
jokes one liners? So men can understand them. |
| What's a man's idea of
helping with house work? lifting his legs so you can vacuum. |
| What does a man concider a
seven corse meal to be? A hot dog and a 6 pack. |
| Why are men like noodles?
they are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they are always in need of dough. |
There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "What did she say?" asked the friend. The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'" |
The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately to take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds." "Impossible", said the embarrassed man, "You really don't know what I'm thinking?" "Yes" the lady replied, "I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it." |
1. HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both are threatened by their own kind. Both mark their territory. Both are bad at asking you questions. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. Neither does any dishes. Both pass gas shamelessly. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. Both like dominance games. Both are suspicious of the postman. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone. Neither understands what you see in cats. 2. HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong. Dogs don't criticize your friends. Dogs admit when they're jealous. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw). Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. You can train a dog. Dogs are easy to buy for. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.) Dogs understand what no means. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. Dogs admit it when they're lost. Dogs are color blind. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. 3. WHERE DOGS FALL SHORT Men only have two feet that track in mud. Men can buy you presents. Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block. Men are a little bit more subtle. Dogs have dog breath all the time. Men can do math stuff. Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it. And the number one reason dogs fall short... It's fun to dry off a wet man !!!!!!!! |
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!" |
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. |
IF MEN REALLY RULED THE WORLD Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a --"Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. Two words: Ally McNaked. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. Phones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. When a cop gave you a ticket, smart-aleck responses would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." |
True facts about men!
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
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